Relax a Little

If you had told me that the rest of my life would be filled with nightmares of tragic death, flashes of horrible accidents, thoughts of impending doom...I would STILL have had a child, BUT................

I swear, not a day goes by that I don't close my eyes and either see my son plummeting to his death, lying lifeless in his crib, or drowning in an unknown body of water!!!!!  Who knew parenting would make you go insane!  It's a sick thing, really, that your maternal instincts, your unconditional love-drives you to such freakish mental erraticism that you can't rest at night without the morbidity of your worst nightmares stealing your last breath.  

Just last night I was fading in and out of sleep, ready to drift off into la la land when all the sudden I jerked so hard I pulled my neck muscle...after visually seeing, Sage smiling and holding my hand one second while hiking in the mountains, and the next falling from a cliff to his death the next.  Shannon and I have been talking about planning a summer trip to the mountains which i have been pretty enthusiastic about- looking forward to enjoying the mountain air, strolling through deserted ski towns surrounded by luxurious snow-tipped peaks on all sides, eating salads that are really just awkwardly shaped pieces of grass that really do taste like dirt- at least it's fresh.  Who knew, all the while, that my subconscious was on over-drive... planning, instead, the particulars around how-where-when & why my son would not live through the week?! 

Of course this all has to do with fear, and I get that.  I worry constantly that something is going to happen to him...that he won't wake up, that he'll choke on his food that he'll slip in the bathtub and drown, that he'll have autism, that he won't reach his milestones that he won't grow as he should, that he will hate us because he doesn't have a father, that he'll want to find his mysterious donor of sperm..........and the list goes on.   

Worry.  I would have to say that it is my new worst enemy.  I have never really considered myself a big worrier...In fact, I have traditionally been a risk taker.  Not anymore.  Everything changes when the life you are risking is not your own.  As unhealthy as this sounds - he has become the priority of my life, the center of our universe, the demise of our social lives- not that we had much of one before Sage, but he sealed the deal for us.  We literally sit and stare at him, watch his every move, listen for every syllable, watch the way he holds his mouth, the way he waves his hand, the way his inflection has grown and changed, even the way he sticks his his butt up in the are and tucks his arms under him while nestling himself into a little ball of sleep at night.... he is our little wonder, our little nugget, our Love monkey... Of course, I worry and I have a feeling I always will.