A post-Easter Reminder about supporting the Adolescents in our lives

The Struggle is Real: 

A Post-Easter Reminder about how to best support the Adolescents in our lives

Rev. Jenny Shultz 

March 28, 2016

“The flashing was a hazy, brazen orange. As if it had been caramelized, and then hung under a tree, the light struggled to illumine its surroundings. The cars stopping, yet unsure of whose turn it was to drive on through…this intersection was an accident waiting to happen. Half awake I managed to roll on to the the next light, remembering that driving was meant for one foot only, and as tired as I was it would do me well to play by the rules. Finally turning into my neighborhood my tiresome eyes were ready to give it up- it was half past 1 (am), all the lights had retired hours ago and only the single street light on the corner reminded me of the day’s events. 

This is ministry, I reminded myself as I climbed the stairs to my front door. This is what I signed up for. And, rather than be resentful, I was painfully aware of the sorrow and trauma that I had left behind, in that upper room…in the world of an adolescent whose darkness was all too real, whose life- to him- was less than enough to fight for. This is ministry. Some days you walk away never knowing what the outcomes will be, sometimes the darkness wins, and HOPE seems too out of reach for some. In this darkness, I can only pray that when Jesus dined that last time in a similar room, tucked away -dim and darkened- that the meal he shared could nourish beyond what my eyes could see or touch.”

         The above is reflection from an experience I had several years ago on a post-Easter evening after having visited with a youth that I was counseling. He had been struggling for weeks with self-worth, with depression and ultimately substance abuse. I think, so often, we as Pastors, as mostly optimistic hopefuls, live in the world of positive-thinking, of churchy phrases and over worn smiles that we often miss the HOPEless when prescribing ways for our congregations to live into the resurrection, to claim the truth that Jesus is ALIVE!  Jesus is Alive, and that is good news for everyone, but there is a loneliness that ensues for some who believe themselves to be outside of the living, or among the walking dead, thus rendering these promises to be out of reach.

I was reminded of this experience, with this particular student, after reading a Facebook post this morning about depression and anxiety and after reflecting on how often I encounter various forms of mental illness, whether it be situational depression, or a diagnosis like bipolar disorder, I thought I might share some of the insights I have gained over the past decade in working with adolescents and their families for whom the struggle is real.  

         Teenagers, probably more than other demographic, due to the complexities of their development, brain chemistry changes, etc. tend to believe the deceptive thoughts that accompany the acute changes in their lives, including: romantic relationship status, friend drama, individual performance- in education, sports, etc., family dynamics, social popularity. They are also deeply affected by more long-term issues such as: body image, changes in family structure, bullying, inclusivity with peers. Some of the things that parents, teachers, friends and mentors hear on a daily basis might include, 

“Nobody understands me”, “Nobody loves me”, “I am fat and ugly; my body is disgusting”, “I will never be as good as…” and for some even, “My life sucks, I have nothing left to live for”.

The question for us is, how can we, the healthy adults in their lives, help them to re-write their personal narratives encouraging a healthy sense of self-worth? Here are some things to consider as we continue to nurture the teens in our lives:

1. Understand that it’s not wait you SAY that matters right now. That’s right. Teens are not looking for another lecture or even an awesome, positive, happy Ted Talk that can change their worlds one word at a time! Though our words are very important and, over the life of one’s relationship, they can have a profound impact on what our teens hear, believe and begin to share in their own places of influence - in the middle of their acute anxiety and places of deep loneliness- we should keep our words to a minimum. Choose familiar phrases and stick with them. I am hear, you are loved, I want to listen.
2. What matters most is our PRESENCE. Too often, parents and adults believe what their teens tell them, like ‘I hate you, I don’t want to be around you, I never want to see you again, You are horrible, Leave me alone”! Of course, it is important to really Listen to what our teens are saying, but more often than not this means listening not only with our ears, but with our memories. These are still our babies! They look, sound and act like hateful, mean, nasty, strangers to us, but deep down they are still as small and fearful and needy of our unwavering love as ever. They are hurting and don’t know what they need, and sure enough don’t want it from parents- However - Don’t underestimate the power of a small gesture. A simple knock on a closed bedroom door and the words “Let me know if you need anything”, a note slid under the door, a text, FB message or email that says “I’m here if you need to talk”, a special homemade treat that embodies your endless love— can go a long way. 
3. Keep it simple. When we see our children hurting, when we know there’s not much we can do to fix it we tend to over-function. That’s right. We might rent an entire restaurant and invite everyone from the middle school in hopes of cheering them up. Wrong. They are not looking to be singled out or for you to orchestrate their social lives for them. Keeping it simple might mean going out to dinner with one friend’s family, of their choice, or providing the space and funds for a 2-3 person sleepover with all their favorites included: ice cream, a movie, and some homemade midnight snacks. 
4. Remind yourself that they don’t need you to be their friend, they need you to be their parent. What does that even mean? Well, some of us need to actually get back to the basics there because we are on the wrong side of that question. Provide safety, security, and basic needs, set appropriate limits and expectations, create room for possibility and nurture an ecosystem of acceptance and challenge. What else? Well, the rest is all extra. Buy them a car when they turn 16? Maybe…depends on your child and your families needs and capabilities. Provide room and space for underage teens to drink and smoke in your basement? No. Really? No. Not ever. If you find yourself unsure of what it means to be a parent or a friend? Ask. Ask lots of people that you know and trust. Together, you’ll figure it out. 
5. Finally, when things are pretty bad, and the basics aren’t working, when depression or something else has all but stolen your child from you- get help. That’s right, not only do our children need to see the best therapist in town, in the state, in the country, parents and adults need help too. Sometimes our over-functioning leads to a depletion of self- of what we have emotionally, spiritually, physically available to support our kids. When that happens, our help becomes less helpful. There is no shame in talking it out, taking time to breathe and think, crying, sharing your worst fears and failures. Nobody is perfect, and the closer we get to accepting our limitations the closer we can get to supporting those in our lives who depend on us. We all need help sometimes. 

Easter Blessings to you and yours! 

Rev. Jenny Shultz