A Morning Psalm

Daily Lectionary; The book of common worship

March 24, 2014

MORNING PSALM 119:73-80

⁷³  Your hands have made and fashioned me;
          give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.
⁷⁴  Those who fear you shall see me and rejoice,
          because I have hoped in your word.
⁷⁵  I know, O LORD, that your judgments are right,
          and that in faithfulness you have humbled me.
⁷⁶  Let your steadfast love become my comfort
          according to your promise to your servant.
⁷⁷  Let your mercy come to me, that I may live;
          for your law is my delight.
⁷⁸  Let the arrogant be put to shame,
          because they have subverted me with guile;
          as for me, I will meditate on your precepts.
⁷⁹  Let those who fear you turn to me,
          so that they may know your decrees.
⁸⁰  May my heart be blameless in your statutes,
          so that I may not be put to shame.

So, who knew that a 33 year-old could get heart palpitations?  I mean, the kind that flutter and beat, dance around like there's no tomorrow and then steal away taking the very last breath you worked so hard to muster up with it!  

At least I know now that I'm not actually on the verge of having a heart attack, I mean, I know I have a flare for the dramatic at times, I have absolutely "zero" risk factors for having a heart attack.  So, what then?  After three days of this sort of odd pressure, flutter, difficulty breathing thing... and then my wife's late night freak-out assuring me that death was imminent and that if I loved my child I'd go to the ER- well, I didn't go to the ER, but I did go to the doctor the next day- only to find out that there's really nothing wrong.  I am probably not getting enough sleep, might be too stressed, need to relax (she recommended getting more massages), and chalk it up to hormones.  I wanted to scream at that, of course, I mean here is a female physician throwing hormones around as if I were a pubescent teenager in need of some happy drugs.  So, nonetheless, I have heart palpitations, and they're uncomfortable and sometimes a little scary. 

Anxiety much? You ask... well, not a lot, but I do have a one year-old who is always on the verge of falling, choking, not breathing in his sleep, drowning, getting some rare disease, getting autism from his vaccines............. and the list goes on. So, am I anxious, maybe a little?  

This morning's Psalm represents the prayer of my heart most days.  

An acknowledgement to God that I am not my own, and though I tear and roar about as if I were more than I am as if the world deserves my thunder  I silently seek the Lordship of another to calm my soul and deliver me into a humble refuge. Reflecting the prose of a life lived under the wing of Grace is more than I can hope for, but really where my heart wants to lie...barren yet covered with enough to keep me.  Prayers for latitude amidst the divine conversation, where knowledge of a God and a knowing of a companion are closely related yet worlds apart.  I know that bewilderment for me would be a world without this motivation to rise above ourselves to seek only what the Earthen lands can give, so I think, I am resolved to pray and to continue seeking this wellspring that has been the rescuer I always known- may I not be put to shame.